"So Damn Lucky"

I had to write today since I've got some spare time....lots happening in the world that surrounds us. First & foremost is I'm missing my "O", she needed a mini-vacation from her Mommy & Daddy and is visiting her Tia Suzie, Tio Jay & cousins M,S & I in Wisconsin. She's having a blast and doesn't have a care in the world....well why would she if she's being ridiculously spoiled!?!?! Since she's been away, I've had a lot of time to hold adult conversations, talk things out & then sit & think...and then sit & think some more!
So today, I have a few moments to reflect on some of the "ah-ha" moments I've had in the last few days as a result of those conversations......
Here's is what I've learned so far....talking with a friend one day, I said I wasn't sure why I wasn't sleeping as well since O's been gone. I hear every noise in the house, check all the doors MULTIPLE times, pretty much have most of the main lights on, etc. I said, I'm used to Heath not being here some nights when he is gone for gigs and such, so that adjustment is easy to accommodate, but with O not being here, I don't know......it's just different. He said, "when your daughter is there, you are brave for her. You know that you wouldn't let anything happen to her", I sat there and was like''whoa". To you it may not sound like much but I was left dumbfounded.......only because it made me realize her not being here has left me feeling a little vulnerable. I don't want to be. I want to put my brave suit back on.....whether she's here or not. So we ended our conversation and left it at that (still those words staying in the back of my mind).....later that night, another friend posted this quote (she's always finding the most amazing quotes)
"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

It's true, I've existed as a woman, but never as a mother.....my role has completely changed.....I didn't realize it until now that she's not here.....I see it and it's a little overwhelming. Everyone would agree, you know I'd give my life for O......which is a given, but when forced to see reality in this way....it's again "Whoa".

My ultimate goal is to keep my daughter safe from harm and do my very best to continue to be the best mother I can possibly be......for her. Most of that means I'm gonna have to do some real digging........but for her I would do anything.

__________________________________________________

"So Damn Lucky"
by Dave Matthews

Everything's different
With my head in the clouds I hit this corner
With my foot on the gas I started sliding, I lose it
Everything's different just like that
Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
Frozen heart
Screaming wheels
Does that screaming come from me?
So damn lucky, that you went on ahead
You said, you said
"I'll see you later...
"I heard what you said a few minutes later
I'm sliding
Everything's different again
Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
This frozen heart
Screaming wheels
Does that screaming come from me?
I'm dizzy from all this spinning
Now I'm thinking that you did all you could
When you said "My love Take it slowly..."
"Ok" is what I said
Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
Frozen heart
Screaming wheels
Does that screaming come from me?
Take me back, 'cause just before I was spinning
Take me back, just before I got dizzy
Take me back, amazing what a minute can do
Just like you
So, so, slide, slide, up, around, around, around
Again amazing what a minute can do
Around, Around, Around
"Again"
"Ok.