When the going get rough....

Sometimes all you can do is throw your hands up & say...I am not in control.  It's easier said then done of course!  What is?

Joy.

So many things to share...........so many things still so private. The daily heartache is overridden by the joy she brings to my heart.....daily. I breathe for her. I get up everyday, despite it all, because of her. She deserves so much better & I'll be damned if I will allow it to swallow me whole. Today she reminded me that I get the pleasure of her humor, her company, her attitude, and her beautiful smile.....everyday. And for that I'm eternally grateful. I hate the reality of our situation but look forward to the end of it.....and moving toward a new beginning.

"So Damn Lucky"

I had to write today since I've got some spare time....lots happening in the world that surrounds us. First & foremost is I'm missing my "O", she needed a mini-vacation from her Mommy & Daddy and is visiting her Tia Suzie, Tio Jay & cousins M,S & I in Wisconsin. She's having a blast and doesn't have a care in the world....well why would she if she's being ridiculously spoiled!?!?! Since she's been away, I've had a lot of time to hold adult conversations, talk things out & then sit & think...and then sit & think some more!
So today, I have a few moments to reflect on some of the "ah-ha" moments I've had in the last few days as a result of those conversations......
Here's is what I've learned so far....talking with a friend one day, I said I wasn't sure why I wasn't sleeping as well since O's been gone. I hear every noise in the house, check all the doors MULTIPLE times, pretty much have most of the main lights on, etc. I said, I'm used to Heath not being here some nights when he is gone for gigs and such, so that adjustment is easy to accommodate, but with O not being here, I don't know......it's just different. He said, "when your daughter is there, you are brave for her. You know that you wouldn't let anything happen to her", I sat there and was like''whoa". To you it may not sound like much but I was left dumbfounded.......only because it made me realize her not being here has left me feeling a little vulnerable. I don't want to be. I want to put my brave suit back on.....whether she's here or not. So we ended our conversation and left it at that (still those words staying in the back of my mind).....later that night, another friend posted this quote (she's always finding the most amazing quotes)
"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

It's true, I've existed as a woman, but never as a mother.....my role has completely changed.....I didn't realize it until now that she's not here.....I see it and it's a little overwhelming. Everyone would agree, you know I'd give my life for O......which is a given, but when forced to see reality in this way....it's again "Whoa".

My ultimate goal is to keep my daughter safe from harm and do my very best to continue to be the best mother I can possibly be......for her. Most of that means I'm gonna have to do some real digging........but for her I would do anything.

__________________________________________________

"So Damn Lucky"
by Dave Matthews

Everything's different
With my head in the clouds I hit this corner
With my foot on the gas I started sliding, I lose it
Everything's different just like that
Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
Frozen heart
Screaming wheels
Does that screaming come from me?
So damn lucky, that you went on ahead
You said, you said
"I'll see you later...
"I heard what you said a few minutes later
I'm sliding
Everything's different again
Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
This frozen heart
Screaming wheels
Does that screaming come from me?
I'm dizzy from all this spinning
Now I'm thinking that you did all you could
When you said "My love Take it slowly..."
"Ok" is what I said
Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
Frozen heart
Screaming wheels
Does that screaming come from me?
Take me back, 'cause just before I was spinning
Take me back, just before I got dizzy
Take me back, amazing what a minute can do
Just like you
So, so, slide, slide, up, around, around, around
Again amazing what a minute can do
Around, Around, Around
"Again"
"Ok.

It's NEVER okay.....

...to leave a two year old unattended. Guess parents learn some lessons the hard way!
( the pile is ALL her wipes from a NEW opened box too...)

The funniest part was when she gave me her explanation...."I kweening mama". Nuff said.
There WAS a time at one point in her life I thought (for a split second) that is was okay because 99% of the time she'd be sitting in her bed reading. I realize now that it was because she couldn't reach anything high up top......guess we'll have a find a new place for the wipes & diapers!

One week and one day!

The Jacobsons will be invading California for a few days......not too many because I have limited time off! However for 4 1/2 glorious days, we will see family, friends, Mickey and Nemo at the ocean. I'm so excited......I can barely contain myself.

If I don't get to see you.....I'm sorry.....we will be carless.....BUT if you are willing you can come see us--we will NOT turn anyone away!! We will be in the OC staying with my lovely Big Sis, if you want details, let me know!

Until then.........

I love spending the day with her.....

She makes everything alright.....

2 months & 7 days.....

....No I'm NOT pregnant!! Life is crazy though & it's taken me a little while to get a grip on my new life! lol. Let's see in a nutshell since my last post a little over two months ago--Miss O turned 2, I became an Auntie for the 3rd time, I turned 32, I went to Wisconsin to meet my newest little man but we were quarentined not because of the swine flu but because Miss O got the croup the 1st night we arrived in Wisconsin--therefore we spent almost the entire week at my mom's house (which wasn't terrible), ummmm...I got to throw out the 1st pitch at a Tulsa Driller Game at the Bark in The Park event to represent the Humane Society of Tulsa, I have fallen in love with my job even more & work crazy hours daily, and last but not least I finally get to put Miss O's hair in little sprouts periodically! Lots of randomness but all same still important. As much as I dread summer in Oklahoma, there is a little part of me that is secretly excited....not because I had to buy a bathing suit, but because I get to do FUN stuff with my little pooch and take her fun places like the water park or to the dry park--lol--and mostly because we get to set up some fun sprinklers this year and she can run through them with me......FINALLY!!!!

Here she is turning two!


Me turning 32~!


Me enjoying the BEST part of being an Auntie.....and wishing I didn't have to leave.


Miss O enjoying one of the few days she got to be with her cousins....O's mommy still wishing we lived closer.


Me enjoying what I do with every ounce of my being and being a firm believer in doing something you enjoy most in the world!


And finally.....Miss O's anticipation to discover a whole new world!
The water park!

A whirlwind.

To keep this short....my new job has me WIPED! I think the only place I spend time online is checking emails or facebook! LOL! Needless to say...I need a life!! I started working for The Humane Society of Tulsa and I absolutley love it. I was made for this job. I swear, the way things all fell into place was unreal.....and it all happened so quickly. I love the people I work with too. It's a CRAZY busy job that rarely leaves me time to even eat lunch but I don't even notice...in fact when 5pm rolls around I'm usually in shock. I love my job and I love that I get to tell stupid people where to go! Not really.......but I love that people don't understand the concept of what we do for the animals and think we are making a "fortune" off of the adoption fee!!! I will say this....please SPAY or NEUTER your animals, if not just for them but the good of ALL kind.
Anyway, today was my Sunday, I work Tues-Saturday, and I enjoyed it with the family. We finally got to go on an outing that DIDN'T include grocery shopping of ANY KIND!! The Jacobson family enjoyed our 1st official day at the zoo! We all had a blast....epecially lil' Miss O!

it's been tough to say the least....

We've had some highs & some lows in the last two weeks. I thank God for his faithfulness though. One of the lows was losing Ben this week. Today is the first day I'm truly okay with it....I've been up & down with emotions because of all we've been through with that old man. For those who don't know Ben...he was our 13 year old Pug that we rescued about 2 1/2 years ago. His previous owners did not treat him very well and he came with ALOT of baggage that we had to sort through and when I say baggage I mean "health" issues. Most would NOT have taken it on but I felt like he deserved a chance....and I'm thankful I had that chance. He was such a sweet ol' soul, who LOVED to eat! He protested the fact that he was put on a strict diet & exercise program when he came to live with us...and even more so when he developed diabetes. Through the daily injections to losing his eye and then complete sight, he pushed through until the very end...even his last night with us he eat right through the pain & coughing. Nothing would keep that man from eating his dinner! Today, he's enjoying the free life with lots of kisses from his Sweet Annabelle who preceeded him in death and making lots of new puggie friends. I know to most this may sound silly or even a little "wacky" but it's what I have to believe in order to move through this grieving process. I'm guilted with the decision of having to put him down, even though it's what was best for him. I'd like to shut-down and pretend like it didn't happen....but I can't. I'm learning daily how to deal with my emotions and I don't like it. I don't like change...I want things to stay as they are....but alas...life is full of constant change. I must accept that. So...today, I'm dealing with the loss of my friend...my pug. Ben.

Someone emailed me with this poem & it helps me understand--it was okay to let him go.

When my body grows frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep
I ask you do what must be done
For my last battle cant be won
Its very hard I understand
Please don’t let grief stay your hand
For on this day, more than the rest
Your endless love will stand the test
You don’t want me to suffer so
When my time comes, please let me go
Take me where my needs they’ll tend
And stay with me until the end
Hold me close and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see
Although my tail its last has waved
From pain and suffering I’ve been saved
Don’t grieve that it must be you
Who had to decide this thing to do
To my pain and suffering you said no
It’s out of love you’ve let me go

I love you my sweet Ben.....you will always remain close to my heart. Forever.

I wish I had something better....

to say but I don't. Today is just one of those days that you wish you were someone else. Sometimes things aren't always what you planned or hoped but you do the best you can and pray it'll get better.

however....she makes me wanna be a better person.


i thank you Lord for your grace, mercy & you everlasting love and even though i don't declare it as often as i should, i thank You most for my family.

Again....

....wishing it was wordless wednesday.

I'm so happy.

A sweet moment.

Ben & Simon. I totally wish it would have been a wordless wednesday!!!!

No post...just a thought.

.....HE will direct your path.

A sweet lil' guy named Von~

My wonderful friend Marlita has a sweet nephew named Von who is battling Leukemia....I'm taking a few minutes to post and ask for your prayers for this little guy. He is entering the roughest part of his fight and Von & his family needs as many prayers & loving support as they can possibly get! Every time I go to his dad's blog, I always leave inspired, laughing or crying(all good things)....they are a such a sweet family and I couldn't help but post (I hope dad doesn't mind I'm using this picture).


You can read more about Von's Family and their Journey & their courageous battle...along with more sweet pictures of his cute little face on his Dad's Blog www.roverhaus.blogspot.com

The night Ben became a train.

I wish my camera battery wasn't dead...because this may be funnier if you saw it or had it on video. If you don't know...we have three pugs & one foster. One of my pugs, Ben, is a sweet ol' man about the age of 13. He's a larger pug, which was a majority of it being overfed in his previous home, before we adopted him. Anyway, he's a big ol' lug who only gets up for two things....FOOD & POTTY. Otherwise, you are usually stepping over him because he's usally asleep in the middle of the floor in the midst of the daily chaos that is my house.
Kinda like this.....

Miss O is very fond of Ben....I think mainly in part to the fact that she can do anything just wants because he can't get up & run like the other three. She's not mean or anything of that nature....but she usually will take her toys to Ben, sit next to him & read or just pet him or just plain love on him. It's very sweet.
Kinda like this....

However, last night....last night will go in my "favorite memory" box. When she's older & Ben is long gone.....I'll pull out the story of "The night Ben became a train". So last night as we were cleaning up after dinner, she was off playing....doing her thing. All the pugs where close to the kitchen in hopes of something falling that they can eat...but like I said once Ben is done...he's done! So Miss O walks into the kitchen....talking about something?? I'm putting stuff away, when I hear..."Chugga-too-too". I turn around, O is sitting on Ben and laughing away..."Chugga--too-too". In my head, I was like OMG get off that poor ol' pug.....but I ended up laughing my head off. She looked at me for a second...wondering if I had gone "mad", she realizes Mommy thinks it's funny too....one more time before Mommy makes me get off...."Chugga-too-too". I asked her, "Is Ben a train?" She replied "Yes Mommy".

Sleepy girl.

Last night she was so sleepy after the days events.....she passed out in less then 10mins...even though the whole time as I was getting her ready for bed, I'd ask "Are you ready to go nite-nite"...her reply "No Mommie". We said our prayers, gave lots of hugs & kisses......said goodnite to everyone she could think of to prolong the process until I put a stop to it when she started saying nite nite to the cars......

I snuck in to check about 10mins later...because she did get quiet fairly quickly!
This is what I found......Her attempt to play with her baby didn't last too long.

Yo Gabba-Gabba

I'm thinking she'd be happy with any "themed" 2nd birthday party (Elmo, Dora, even Handy Manny).....but if she walked into her very own "Yo Gabba Gabba" land.......she'd be ecstatic! Even if she can't ask for the party herself....her daily request of "Gabba-Gabba, off, TB" (translation--"I wanna watch Yo Gabba Gabba so turn the TV ON") & her response to it when it comes on is...."YEAH GABBA GABBA". I can easily come to the conclusion....it would be her preferred choice party theme!

This is her....watching Yo Gabba-Gabba.

Unfortunately....this is what "Yo Gabba Gabba" looks like! :}

Now here's the tough part.......there are no party supply stores that carry this to make this easy for me, so most of it will be homemade.....so any suggestions AND help would be MUCHO appreciated!!!!! LOL! I found a website with LOADS of helpful information & ideas to help get me started....but putting it all together is a WHOLE other thing!! Wish me luck.

Wordless Wednesday~

Come home for lunch to see this....must be the life~

(*disclaimer--please excuse the bed--my husband made it this morning!! LOL)

What part of NO don't you understand???

Ugh.....she's gonna be TWO and she's acting like it. More & more "No Mommy".....more & more cries of pure agony over the loss of no more "kakie" (aka--cracker). More & more....."O...Mommy said NO" (more cries of agony fill the air).

Please Lord....tell me this too shall pass??

Can I share a secret--I love it.....because in the midst of the fits & cries.....she eventually runs to me with arms wide open crying "Mama....hold you", she comes over, throws her arms around me & hugs me--and then I feel the tiny little pat on my back--like she helping to console me as well. I will cherish it for as long as possible.

Sunday.....

I can't believe it...the weekend is done. It's 9pm and I have to get ready for another work week...."Lord, I thank you for the wisdom, strength & joy to face this new week".

P.S. Have I mentioned how much I miss the other part of me??

My other blog.

I've posted some new fun stuff on my other blog....come on over & visit. Stop by, say HI....and follow us too if you don't mind!! Leave us comments....we wanna know you stopped by!!!!! http://www.youniquetechnique.blogspot.com/

thanks, yvonne~

Tulsa World.

Our business was featured in the Tulsa World today!

Check it out.....

It was in the "Scene" section of the paper.

STUPID HUMANS

I feel like I need to post here and anywhere else there is open space to post my continual frustration with the human race & their realtionship with animals. If you visit www.homewardboundpugs.com you'll see where my frustration stems from.
**This is me standing high atop my soap box, screaming with tears following!**
I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again.........why oh why own, breed or adopt a pet if you cannot humanely care for them???? I beg of those who will listen.........they are living beings! Not to be tied up in the backyard and sooooo in need of care by the time care arrives it's almost too late to save them. They aren't to be treated like shoes that you don't like anymore so they need to be tossed out.....they are LIVING, BREATHING BEINGS!!!! I dare you to sit out in the cold, through snow, or thunderstorms or HOT summers tied up to a chain. I dare you to sit on the floor and be kicked so hard your eye pops out........I dare you not to eat or drink for days. I dare for just ONE day take yourself away from all familiar things and sit in a cell & sit on a COLD HARD CEMENT floor waiting...just waiting for someone to come back for you...to pet your head just a little or scratch your belly and NEVER receive it and your reward for HUMAN STUPIDITY is death. God didn't create them for us to pick & choose when to love and when to give them up........or mistreat them. If you could only see........if you could only hold them and see......they are worth more than home we give them or the food we feed them. I know to most....you see them as "JUST" an animal.....or "JUST" a dog or cat......I wish you see through my eyes the dogs that come into our rescue and into my life that have been so terribly hurt by humans that they can barely move when you walk toward them. They've changed my life in a way that I will never be the same......I wish they would change yours. To those who have raised a hand to them, chained them up, or have simply just forgotten them......your day will come. To those who have loved them, opened your heart & home to them....hug them a little tighter tonight. Love on them....let them know your appreciate their unwavering love for you. The reward is great.

Paper or Plastic?? A killer challenge.....

I've wanted to blog about this for a while but wasn't really sure what to say. But it's a pretty simple concept and I wonder why it hasn't caught on yet?? I wonder why people refuse to acknowledge we have a problem...we are addicted to paper & plastic. While online today, I read this interesting article on this website that I'm currently obsessed with (http://www.lifeorganizers.com/) and it made me stop & really wonder what people are thinking??? We are a selfish world at times.....

Anyway.....some might know that I'm a HUGE purse fanatic & if you saw my closet you'd see I'm more of a "bag-lady" then a "shoe-lady", which kinda paved the way into my current bag fascination--Recyclable/Reusable shopping bags. Just about every store carries them--even SAM'S CLUB ($2.99 for a set of two). Yes, you do have to pay for them but they aren't expensive--I've never seen one more then $1.99 (Wal-Mart has them for $1, at least they were when I bought them)--now keep in mind I have one from just about every store & can't seem to stop myself (that's a WHOLE other blog). I have a good collection going and what I love most about them is, instead of walking out of Wally-World or Target with about 50 plastic bags, I can still shop the same and walk out having only used 4-5 of my reusable bags! The 4-5 will cover my big grocery shopping day. However, if I run in somewhere I usually only need just one. My favorite are the SAM'S CLUB bags because they are gigantic!!! No it's not embarrassing to whip out your bags & have the checker pack your bags either, it's a conversation starter and can impact the person packing your bags or the person behind you!

So here is my killer challenge.....read this article "Paper or Plastic - The Debate Over Grocery Store Bags" and then think about this....what's $2 compared to the alternative! This is the reality of it and what our thoughtlessness for this planet has created & continues to create daily!

.....then put aside $5.00 (you'd use it on that candy bar & gossip magazine anyway--admit it) and buy yourself a few bags. Collect just 5 (I can honestly say that's all you'll need for a FULL grocery list) and watch your never ending drawer-filled with plastic bags start to disappear. It'll take some time to remember them so always keep some in your car but you'll get the hang of it. Just keep the above picture in your mind. As for what to do with the bags you DO HAVE--take them to Wally-World, they'll recycle them! You know you gotta go there anyway for more groceries at some point! I promise it's worth it.....for you, for your children, for the water we drink, the Ocean the fish swim in and for our Earth--the same Earth we were given charge over.

STAY TUNED--I'll post my collection later!!! hehehehehe!!!